God Is At Work Amongst Fallen Pastors: Are You Interested?

Over the past month or so, I’ve been contacted by several men who are pastors who fell from ministry. I get contacted a lot, so that’s no surprise. But each of them has had one clear thing in mind – doing something to reach out and help other fallen pastors. To find a way to get them together and help them.

That’s not a coincidence. That is God at work, possibly pushing us to ministry.

I’ve been talking to my friend John Wilbanks about this for a bit, but it seems to be picking up a little speed.

There is a definite need for some type of retreat, seminar, or getaway to help fallen ministers. I don’t know if it would be regional or nationwide. I don’t know how it would be staffed, who would speak or where it could happen. All I know is that God is putting this thing together in His glorious time and in His way. I’m just trying to listen.

People are contacting me because God is moving them to. I’m not a planner, I’m more of a problem solver/facilitator. I’m the guy who puts person A and person B together so they can get stuff figured out.

So what am I blogging on about? I’m asking a simple question – has God been speaking to you about this? Has He specifically given you guidance about this very thing? If He has, let me know. I don’t know how it’s going to work, but if He’s moving, I don’t want to miss it.

All you have to do is send me a comment for this blog post. I won’t publish it, but I’ll respond to you via email. If you’re serious and have some ideas, I’ll probably call you and we’ll see what’s going on. I’m excited. To God be the glory!

“When He Came To His Senses”

When a pastor falls from ministry, he goes through a series of stages after his infidelity is discovered. I outline those stages in my book, “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World.”

In Jesus’ parable of the prodigal son, the son runs off in search of a better life, but finds himself sleeping amongst tomorrow’s BLT fodder. He begins to remember how good his father was to him and the bible says, “when he came to his senses.”

When a pastor sins so greatly, it seems he’s lost his ever-loving mind. There is no excuse for violating God’s law. There are always reasons that the pastor started on that path to begin with. In my book, I talk about conflict, isolation and poor marital relations that are found in the majority of men who fall.

Again, no excuse. But know that one of the first stages a pastor goes through after a fall is anger and isolation. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. One day, though, whether he reconciles with his wife or not, he will find his heart crying out to God. And he’s going to need Christian people. People who haven’t given up on him.

When the pastor falls, most people give up on him. That’s understandable because his actions hurt a lot of people. But it’s reasonable to expect that someone will reach out in the beginning. I’m not talking about reaching out once. Someone needs to reach out over and over again. He may not listen right away. He may even react harshly and tell you to shut up. But don’t stop.

Because there will come a day when he “comes to his senses.” And he will remember who reached out. He’ll remember the person who texted, called, emailed and said, “I just want to listen. I just want to be here for you. Not to judge, but to be your friend.”

Reach through the pain, the hurt, the disappointment and try it. Be ready to listen and love. Love like you would want to be loved if you were in that situation.

Fallen Pastor: Who This Book is For – Including My Past Self

My book has been out for a month. I’ve had two book signings. Several book reviews. And a lot of personal feedback.

I want to be very honest with you. I had an expectation of who would read my book – pastors. But that hasn’t been the case. The people who are buying and reading the book are mostly the people in the pews. They are people who people who can be put in several categories.

First, there are people who know me and are curious about my story. They just wanted to know about my story. They wanted to hear what I had to say. Overwhelmingly, they’ve said, “Ray, you’ve been humbled, and you’ve learned a lot. And in reading your book, I’ve learned a lot about what it means to forgive people.”

Second, there are people who were curious about pastors and the battles they face on a daily basis. They’ve said to me, “Ray, I had no idea what pastors face. I had no idea that the struggles were so intense.”

Next were pastors who said, “You nailed it. I face those pressures on a daily basis. It reminds me that I need to be careful about the dangers around me. The stories in the book remind me of the sin that is so close to me. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to lose everything.”

Then, there are people who have fallen in their own right. They weren’t pastors. They’re just Christians who fell in their own lives in adultery or some other way. They were afraid to say anything. They’ve said to me, “This book has given me a voice. It’s let me know that even pastors aren’t above failure. Everyone sins. And I know I can be restored again to Christ.”

Finally – and this one is difficult for me. There are people who buy the book and they never say anything to me directly. They are people who don’t like it. They think I’m a hypocrite still. They think I stood in the pulpit for eight years and was a liar for the entire time. They think my entire ministry was a failure for the sin I committed at the end of it. I never hear their voices, but I hear it from other people through second hand information.

And that’s absolutely okay with me. It gets posted on message boards. It gets passed on to me through gossip. Once upon a time, that kind of talk would bother me. But not now. I fell. And I fell terribly. I can see where someone would think my entire ministry was a sham because of the sin I committed. I can absolutely see that.

I stood in the pulpit and preached the word of God for eight years. I baptized people, visited the sick, loved a congregation and gave people my best, but in the end, I will be remembered as an adulterer to many. I deserve that if people want to think that. That is the fallout of my sin. That is the consequence of my sin. I have to live with that. All I can do is live a life that is holy and pleasing to God from this day forward.

The aim of my book is to help those who have fallen. To help those who are in the ministry and prevent a fall. To help those in church to understand the risks their pastors face. Pastors are human. They are in a dangerous culture that places dangerous expectations upon them. Many times, they chase after unrealistic expectations of ministry that stresses out their marriages and places them at horrible risk.

I wrote the book to warn people. I don’t care if I ever make a dime on this book. At this moment, I haven’t made a single red cent. My heart is to make sure that the church knows that there needs to be reform so that their pastors won’t be at risk. What we need are churches that don’t just care about Sunday to Sunday. But churches that care about authentic Christian community seek it week to week.

I crave a church, regardless of denomination to embrace their members, love them for who they are, despite their faults, including their pastor. And if and when a member of the congregation falls, seek them out to restore them. Not ignore them, but find them out as we are commanded to. The body of Christ is incomplete without any of our members.

Because the most important group I wrote this book for is those pastors out there who say, “That’s never going to happen to me.” I’ve met several of them. A few of them have bought books from me. I have talked with them. I was that guy.

In fact, if I could go back in time and taken the 2005 version of myself and brought him to my book signing, I know exactly what he would have thought:

“Look at this loser. He fell in the ministry. Selling books. What a jerk. He couldn’t hold fast to his call. I’ll buy his book. But I’ll put it on my shelf next to the other 400 books I haven’t written. I’m not going to fall. I have a seminary degree. That will never happen to me. I guess some guys are just like that.”

That’s who this book is for. Among others. It was for me. About a decade ago.

I hope you will read “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World.” Not because I want to sell copies. But because the church of Jesus Christ needs to be restored to a true fellowship.

Finding Restoration in a Broken World

Today is the official release date for my book, Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World.

I’ve got a thousand different emotions going on and a lot of things I want to blog about, but today, I want to take a moment to write about the basic idea of the book.

I fell from the pastorate two years ago when I committed adultery. There were a lot of factors that led to my fall that are common among other pastors. Unrealistic expectations, isolation from friendships, declining relationship with spouse, church conflict and major tragedy. In the end, it was my decision to sin. I’ve discussed that a lot on this blog.

Today, I stand in amazement, though. I’ve found restoration.

Two years ago, I hit rock bottom. I thought God wasn’t listening and I was sure He didn’t care about me. I felt like a failure as a pastor (before and after I fell), I had lost both parents in separate accidents within a year of each other, and I had no one to talk to. In fact, I was pretty sure God had it in for me.

There were days long before I even contemplated adultery that I stood in the pulpit with a smile on my face, tie on properly, shirt pressed, but with a dark, hardened heart. Then the fall came. During the months after, I was sure no one would ever speak to me again. I was sure the stain of sin would be a mark that could never be removed. I was sure that shame would be my constant companion for the rest of my miserable life.

Slowly, repentance came. I discovered that truly, God is a longsuffering and patient God. If He were not, I would have been a grease stain on the carpet of my former church a long time ago. He waited for me when I would not wait for Him.

After I sinned, I had few people who would speak to me, but the ones who remained were the right ones. They encouraged me, loved me and walked with me. I had two close friends who were patient, sometimes firm, but always loving. I reached out to fallen pastors throughout the country who were in various stages of their own fall. They each encouraged me, told me the truth and prayed with me.

My new wife Allison and I also went through a process during that time as well. She watched me as I went from angry to depressed to anxious to humbled.

Those months were terrible, yet redeeming. They are etched in my mind and will stay with me forever. They were necessary for God to break me and make me into something usable.

Very few are willing to reach out to a fallen pastor. It’s something I ponder in the book. A lot of people don’t know what to say to him. Some people think they might be “guilty by association” if they speak to him. Typically, he is cast out, never to be heard from again.

At some point, God grabbed me and said, “I’m not done with you. I have plans for you, but I’m going to humble your proud heart in the process.” He did. And He continues to do so.

When I speak of restoration, I don’t mean restoration to the pulpit. I don’t even mean restoration to the ministry. I just believe that fallen pastors need to be shown compassion and love. They need people to walk with them, to show them the way to brokenness and repentance. It’s important because even a pastor can’t always find the right path, even though we think they should know the way.

I recently joined a ministry team, Fallen Pastors (www.fallenpastors.com) who help pastors who are contemplating sexual sin or who have already fallen. They have a small staff, but do their best to answer every email. If you are a fallen pastor or are in trouble, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. It can become isolated, it can feel like you’re alone. But you’re not.

This book isn’t about me. It’s not about my glorification. It’s about the glory of God and restoring those who have fallen. There is a problem with the culture in which we live. The best thing about problems is that they are fixable. Together, with the compassion of Christ, we can fix people, we can fix cultures and we can find restoration in this broken world.

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Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World is available at Amazon.com. It will be available soon at other outlets. Ask your local bookstore about availability.

 

1,500 Americans Are Disappearing A Month – Did You Notice?

There is a tragedy that has been taking place for a long time around us. According to one statistic, 1,500 pastors a month leave the ministry due to conflict, burnout, or moral failure. 1,500. If you like annual statistics, that’s 18,000 a year.

I remember on the first day of seminary orientation, the leader told us that only half of us in that room would graduate. Of that half, only half would make it two years.

The ministry is a difficult thing. It is hard on the pastor, his family and his emotions. Unless you’ve been “behind the curtain”, it’s hard to know exactly what a pastor goes through. There are high expectations (which should be there), unrealistic expectations (which should not be there), feelings of isolation, a distancing between himself and his spouse and the daily grind of ministry. Behind all of this, the pastor forges ahead, seeking to do what he feels is right, chasing after the ministry. In the end, many leave disillusioned with bitterness, sin and a wounded church left in the wake.

In my upcoming book, “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” I deal primarily with those pastors who leave the ministry after committing adultery. In most cases, they leave in shame, without counseling and are thrown on the trash heap of Christendom. But there are more casualties than that. There are those who leave the ministry because of too much stress, pressure and an easier life. Even they are scorned to some degree.

In the end, it is easier for those in the churches to disperse blame upon the pastor for leaving. In the case of the adulterer, it was most certainly his decision. He sinned and he is to be held accountable. Those who leave because they “just couldn’t take it anymore” are often viewed as weak and abandoning their call. To view it in this way, from one set of circumstances, will simply cause the American church to continue in a crisis that it has been engaged in for a long time and may not have realized it.

There is a culture in our churches today that together with the heart of the minister, weakens those in ministry. Statistics bear it out. Over 60% of pastors are battling depression. In one report, close to a majority of them felt the ministry was destroying their marriage. This isn’t to blame the modern church. It is however, a way to say that something is wrong. It cannot always be the fault of the ministers who seem to be abandoning ship at such a high rate.

What if we were able to step back from the problem? What if we could see that there is a severe culture issue at hand that needs to be addressed? One that needs to be addressed in the heart of the minister as well as the way we run our churches? I believe there is.

In my book, I interviewed several experts and fallen pastors and came to a startling conclusion. Many pastors are not chasing after the things they need to chase after – they are chasing after the ideal of ministry. In turn, many churches are placing their pastors on a pedestal that is unrealistic. Together, this causes the minister to chase after ministry instead of Christ. His attention turns to something other than what he was originally called to do. In turn, the relationship he has with his wife suffers. His feelings about ministry suffer. He begins to seek after affirmation instead of the comfort of Christ.

There is no blame to be cast here. What needs to happen is an awareness of the culture we have cultivated. Pastors are not honest about their weaknesses. Churches are puffing their leaders up very highly. Pastors become isolated and disengaged. Eventually, many find a way out. Adultery, quitting, or leaving after a conflict. Are they the right responses? Sin is never the right response.

Prevention is the best approach. Deal with the culture that is in play. How many of us know churches that run through a pastor in about three years and cast him aside? How many of us know pastors who are at their wits end and are struggling to find meaning? How many of us know churches that seek definition not in the person of Christ but in their leadership or programs?

I don’t want to see any more pastors fall. I pray that my book will help those who have fallen, those who are on the verge of a fall, the churches who desire to change their culture, and those who desire to restore the fallen.

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Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World is available for preorder at Civitas Press. It will be available soon at Amazon.com and will also be available for the Kindle.

Fallen Pastor: The Book, Part 7, The Sinner And The Sermon

I’ve had a lot of great feedback from people who have read varying drafts of my upcoming book: Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World. (Looking for book reviewers, by the way). One of the most productive comments came from Mark Roberts, an excellent Christian Blogger. He said that there was an issue that I needed to address – the issue of broken trust.

He shared with me that for many people, when the pastor falls, they aren’t as upset about his adultery as they are about his deceit. Many pastors carry on in adulterous relationships for years or months while still maintaining their role as pastor. After their fall, many people find it extremely difficult to ever trust them again.

In the book, I tell the story of megachurch pastor “Kris” who described getting into the pulpit the Sunday after he committed adultery. He said, “I walked up on stage, soaking in sweat, and I said to God, ‘God, just kill me while I’m on stage.”

I remember a day like that for me. Thinking that any moment, God would strike me down in fury. But He didn’t. Not right then. But it became normal to be a hypocrite after a while. Putting on a face in the pulpit while preaching the Word while sinning the rest of the time. It was about a two month period for me while I went from emotional to physical affair, lying to the congregation. I even performed a baptism during that time.

I remember how passionate I was about everything before my fall. I had preached through the ten commandments a year before with extreme conviction. During my sin, I would hardly mention sexual sin from the pulpit.

I remember a conversation I had with a pastor once. I said, “When I was sinning I would hardly mention sexual sin. I guess that’s a way to tell if someone has a problem.”

He said, “Not always. Some guys who have a problem will mention it all the time.”

How did I feel about it looking back? Awful. Did I know it was wrong while I was doing it? Yes. How did I deal with it? I just crammed that little voice down as far as I could. I did what a lot of people do. I put my church face on and acted like I was someone else on Sunday. Frankly, I had been doing that for a long time – but not in the same way. It was wretched.

No doubt people will be disappointed, angry and upset over that kind of sin. They should be. People should expect that their pastor won’t commit adultery.

I still want to remind people that even in the midst of their sin, fallen pastors need compassion. They need to be pursed with love and the hope of repentance, in the spirit of Galatians 6:1.

What about all that time the pastor spent preaching, ministering, teaching, baptizing – while being a complete wretch? A few thoughts.

First, let it be said that nothing can be done to erase that memory. The fallen pastor sinned and surely, the days in which he mixed his transgression with his ministry will not be remembered for any kind of good. It is a difficult time to reflect upon, but always remember to do it with the compassion of Christ.

Secondly, ultimately, the mission and work of the church is not about the pastor. God is always in control of all things. When the Word is preached, even from a sinner (always from a sinner), it will do what He desires for it to do. God’s Word is not held powerless because of the ineptitude, hard heartedness or sin of His people.

A great example is Jonah. That guy didn’t want to go to Ninevah. He hated those people. God made him go. He walked in, said what he had to say and walked out. Then, he retreated to watch the city be destroyed because he was sure that the people wouldn’t repent. Jonah – prophet with a sinful heart.  But God got His message across with the messenger He chose and it did what He wanted it to do.

Believing in a sovereign God brings all kinds of peace. Does that mean we should sin so God’s grace can abound? We all know Paul’s answer to that. It does mean that God’s Word and message cannot be thwarted.

Finally, it should be a reminder to all of us to be wary. Guess what? Each Christian is to carry the precious gospel of Christ. Our lives are to be lived out with the compassion, love and actions found within. All hypocrisy should be removed from each dark corner of our lives.

 

Fallen Pastor: The Book, Part 4, Putting The Fallen Pastor In His Place

I’ve been trying to give you a behind the scenes idea of what went into the writing of my book. This time, I’m directing you to a post I’ve written for Provoketive Magazine where I’m a featured writer.

In this article, “Putting the Fallen Pastor in His Place,” I deal with an issue that I purposely don’t deal with in the book – whether the fallen minister should be allowed back into the pulpit. It’s a very difficult issue to tackle and it wasn’t within the scope of the book to answer it. In fact, single books have been written on this topic alone.

Here’s an excerpt from the article: When I’ve been able to preach at churches about my fall, my adultery, my sin, I’ve been able to reach and minister to people like I never could before. My preaching was overcome with a new level of understanding about grace, empathy, compassion and forgiveness. When I preach now, I can almost guarantee that after I’m done, I’ll be approached by someone who wants to confess their own sin of adultery or moral failure.

Hope you’ll take time to go over and check it out.

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Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World is available for preorder at Civitas Press. It will be available soon at Amazon.com and will also be available for the Kindle.

 

Fallen Pastor: The Book, Part 3 – The Men Who Fall

Before “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World” releases, I’m trying to give my blog readers some extra insight to what went into the writing process and the experience behind it.

One of the singular joys I had was interviewing the men for the book. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started looking for fallen pastors to share their story. It’s a tough thing to do. We’re talking about one of the most devastating chapters of their lives. A time when they made a conscious decision to sin which in turn led to a set of consequences that caused pain to their family, their church and many in their family.

I knew how hard it was because I had to write my own story and lay it out there for all to read. I decided to keep everyone’s story, name and location anonymous. I interviewed about 15 men and we only used 11 of the stories.

One of the statements fallen pastors hear after they sin is, “How could you do this? What kind of man does this?”

I can tell you the answer to that. Each of the men I talked to was at least three years out of their experience. Some were as many as 15 or 20. All of them took full responsibility for what they had done. Each had been severely humbled by the experience and all had experienced God’s restorative grace.

It’s easy to look down on fallen pastors in society. It makes for great headlines. They are the stalwarts of morality. They proclaim the message of God each week. But when they stop walking the walk and get caught between the sheets with someone other than their wife, it’s very easy to judge them.

Not many people reach out to them. Most people who once loved them or looked up to them turn on them. They feel shame, hopelessness and sometimes anger. There are no excuses for them, they sinned.

When I listened to each of these men, I learned from them. We shared a common bond and a common experience. They were humble, kind and despite the fact that they hardly knew me, they opened up immediately. They shared out of the hope that their story would keep someone from doing the same thing. They shared out of the joy knowing that God had given them grace after their fall, despite their sin.

After the interviews, patterns emerged. These men sinned out of their own decisions. But their sins did not occur in a vacuum either. There were external pressures, internal pressures, marital issues, ministry problems, and a lack of support in each case. I was astounded at how different each man was, how separated they were by distance, but how similar each story was.

That’s what the book seeks to do. Link together each of these stories to build a common framework, to understand the broken culture in which we live and attempt to mend it.

I’m in admiration to each of these men for being so open and I owe them much.

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Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World is available for preorder at Civitas Press. It will be available soon at Amazon.com and will also be available for the Kindle.

Fallen Pastor: The Book, Part 2 – Understanding The Fall

When I started working with Jonathan Brink, my editor at Civitas Press, about writing  a book about fallen ministers, I had the idea to write about my experience and discuss how to prevent other ministers from making the same mistake. He said, “A book just about you won’t work. It will sound like you’re trying to justify yourself. It has to have stories of other ministers.”

He was right. Jonathan is a very smart guy. In fact, he had the idea to interview many fallen pastors, look for the common reasons behind pastoral failure and examine them. I’m glad I did.

I won’t forget the day I got caught. It was awful. I deserved to get caught, obviously. I was a cheater and a liar. I left my home and my church forever. It was over.

I remember that it felt like the world was spinning for the next few months. One of the fallen pastors I interviewed said the few months after his fall were like his own personal “9/11.” I’m a fact finder. I try to make sense of things. I want to know the “why” of life.

Yeah, I knew it was my fault. I knew it was my sin. I was also busy blaming the stress of the job, church conflict, etc.  Within the two previous years, both parents had died in separate accidents and I hadn’t really grieved properly. There were a lot of variables. I didn’t just wake up one day and say, “I think I’m going to break the seventh commandment!” It wasn’t that simple. I wanted everything to make sense.

I did two things. First, I started to blog anonymously. That was an interesting experience. Some of you followed my blog back then. I was blogging under the name “Arthur Dimmesdale”. I changed all my information and enough details to become obscure. I was doing it to clear my head out and to try to make sense of it all. I had a lot of interesting things happen to me while I was blogging my story.

First, I had a lot of fallen pastors and pastors who were about to fall contact me. They wanted to email, dialogue and ask for advice. I wanted advice too. It was exciting to try to help people, but I needed help too. I made some good friends in those days.

Secondly, I got really tickled at one point when a message board found me and started following my story. Most of them didn’t believe me. Message boards can be a vile place. They were pretty ugly about my situation, but I took it all in stride. One of them said, “This has to be made up – the story is just unbelievable.” Tell me about it. I was living it.

Third, I had a television show contact me. They wanted to do a reality episode about my affair. It was a no go, obviously. I’m telling you, some weird things happen to me, but that was one of the strangest.

Finally, that was where Jonathan Brink first contacted me about writing. I’m thankful for that. My mother wrote eight Christian books and she sent out letter after letter to publishers. I was fortunate to be found by writing a blog.

The other thing I did to try and make sense of everything was to call fallen pastors across the country. I started calling pastor friends and asking them if they knew pastors who had fallen and I got phone numbers. Most of these men had been out of the ministry for several years but they were all willing to talk to me. I wanted to know what to expect, what they felt and if they were ever able to reconcile with their former church. These men were so kind and gracious to share their stories with me. I ended up using several of their stories for my upcoming book.

Those two things – blogging and talking to fallen pastors – set up a good framework for understanding the culture in which pastor’s fall. It helped me understand that I was responsible for my sin, but there was a subtle trap that exists for all pastors that they need to be aware of that can bring about their downfall if they aren’t careful.

That’s what Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World seeks to do. It uncovers the dangerous culture that exists in some churches that we might not be aware of. Hopefully by examining the issues within the church and the heart of the pastor, future ministry failure can be prevented.

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Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World is available for preorder at Civitas Press. It will be available soon at Amazon.com and will also be available for the Kindle.

My Pastor Sinned, What Do I Do?

What should a church member do when a pastor’s sin is uncovered? The pastor’s sin could be anything ranging from adultery to embezzling. I’ve put together a few quick questions someone should ask in reference to a pastor’s sin and their own struggle with the issues.

1. How will I and my family react long term and short term? When a pastor falls or sins and is dismissed, the church member and each family typically goes through a difficult time that is similar to the grief cycle one encounters after losing a loved one. Each family and church member needs to prepare for this struggle and look for support in Christ, their church family and possibly counseling.

2. How will our church as a whole react? How will our church leadership react? The church as a whole will often follow the reaction of the leadership. Leadership needs input from the congregation, so encourage them to handle the situation in a Scriptural manner. Also, share with them the need to ask for help from other churches or church leaders if they feel they are not able to make a clear decision.

3. How will we as a church react directly to the pastor? In other words, if his sin warrants that he resign, he is still to be treated as a brother in Christ. Some follow up questions might be, “How will our reaction to him impact our church now and years later? Is how we are treating him on a personal level Scriptural? Will it impact future decisions we make?”

4. Regardless of what the church leadership decides, what will I choose to do in relationship to the pastor? Or, how will I choose to treat the fallen pastor?

5. Pray for him. After I fell, I heard through the grapevine that one of my former deacons had trouble praying for me. He said it took him a long time before he was able to think positively enough of me to say a prayer for me. That is absolutely understandable. Do your best. On top of everything, think of this: “One day, I may very well fall. How would I want people to care for me?”